


Elie Martha Hanson - Personal log.

by Mirveka



Category: Star Trek Online
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Gen, Slice of Life, Vulcan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-09-24 23:33:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17110244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirveka/pseuds/Mirveka
Summary: Series of entries from personal log of Elie Martha Hanson - Starfleet officer and engineer, that paints the various moments of her life.





	1. Stardate 2414.299 (Oct 26th, 2414)

Elie Martha Hanson  
Personal log  
Stardate 2414.299 (Oct 26th, 2414)

 

 At the time, both me and Sorik worked on Space Dock One. I commanded a large team of engineers, took part in the construction and repair of the Fleet’s ships, Sorik was one of the pilots of the escort assigned to the station. Those years we spent at the outpost, only seconds from Earth and a few minutes WARP from T‘Khasi. We often visited my parents in New Sydney and we appeared regularly at the Sorik’s clan meetings.

 

 It was a good, stable assignment that gave us the opportunity to experience a bit of peace, with only a few exceptions. At that time, to us both, expanding our family seemed like completely natural consequence of the situation. Work at the station allowed me to be active for most of my pregnancy, and even though Sorik sometimes disappeared for several-day flights, I never worried about his safety during the missions. Remedy was growing fast and healthy, while we (with little help) reconciled our duties with a family life, and after two years we decided to have another child. For a long, long time, it seemed to me that I did not need anything more to be happy. Maybe, it was also true?  
 Time passed, our children grew, Sorik became commander of the unit, I was promoted: more responsible tasks, a larger team of engineers. The next ships grew in the guts of the station, then left the dock, to leave behind the heart of the Federation. With time I found myself more and more often looking at departing units with some kind of longing. A feeling of imprisonment has been growing inside me stronger from month to month, alongside awareness that I maybe could do something more with my life.  
And then it came.

 It was late in the evening, the children were fast asleep and I myself was suppose to go to bed, and yet I still was standing in the semi-darkness of the cabin, for a long time leaning against the window, pensively looking on the PADD display. In a dozen days or so, another ship left Space Dock One, to set off into unexplored parts of the cosmos. This time, however, she had the opportunity to take us with her. Information about the possibility of changing assignment came suddenly, and at the beginning I greeted it with excitement. Sao Paolo on which I've been working for many months, which I had already attached to, the unit I learned a meter by meter, was looking for, among others, the chief engineer. This type of opportunity may not happen again for the next few years.  
 - Cataria? - Sorik asked, glancing over my shoulder.  
 - Mhm, - I said. I moved closer to my husband, crossed out several pages, showing him the documents. - Squadron command - I just gave the key word.  
Sorik wrapped his arm around my waist, took PADD with the other, read for a moment in silence then hand me device back.  
 - An interesting proposition- he estimated. Of course it was interesting! With his skills, he should have changed to a larger ship a long time ago and only my assignment at the station kept him in this place. - What do you think about this?  
 - I ...- I began, but my voice broke down in response to the uncertainty that was pushing against me. - I do not know. Chief engineer, exploratory mission, it all sounds great - something inside me smiled at this perspective, but it went out quickly when the next thought came - but what about the children?  
 It was not an easy question. If we decided to get new assignments, we would have the opportunity to take them with us, but would it be a sensible decision? Exploratory missions were long-term and risky, and Alder and Remedy would be exposed to any catastrophes that might happened to a civilian crew. The alternative, however, was to leave them at T’Khasi, under the care of the clan. In this situation, we could not be able to see our children for the next few years. And yet, they were growing so fast, I probably would not be able to recognize them upon return, and they certainly would not be able remember their parents anymore. Tears flowed from my eyes as the feeling of this future loss gripped my throat.  
 - Masu ... - Sorik embraced me more. He ran his fingers over the top of my hand to soothe me with that tender gesture. - We have a choice between an unpleasant compromise and a certain risk.- He chopped the situation on their prime factors. - If we leave them behind, they will be safe, but we will lose them as our children and they will lose us as parents.  
Of course, he was right.  
 - But if we take them to the ship ...- I wiped my tears with my sleeve.  
 - ... We can lose them in an accident - he finished my thought - although there is a much greater chance that if something happens, they will be left without one of us, or we will all die in the same event. - It was also a cruel vision. - We also has a chance to take part in space exploration for the following years and be able to happily witness growing up of our children.  
Optimism. Who would expect it from the Volkhan? Although maybe it was something else. Reconciling with risk? With the possibility of loss? Yes of course. Sorik was fully aware that, unless the Fate will separates us earlier, he will have to watch how I grow old and die, when he will be only a half way through his life. And if Mother Nature turns out to be cruel, in the same way he will look at the death of our children. By binding to me, Sorik had to accept the fact, that one day he would be alone again.  
 - Telsu, - I heard a whisper on my left ear - do not torture yourself in this manner. It doesn't make sense. Nothing in this world lasts forever and despair over it is pointless. If Fate allows, we will still have over seventy years together. Instead of thinking about the end, better appreciate things while they last.


	2. Stardate 2415.315 (Nov 11th, 2415)

Elie Martha Hanson  
Personal log  
Stardate 2415.315 (Nov 11th, 2415)

The incident:

 

Our first mission on board USS Cataria. Our task was simple: escort damaged ship with her sick crew into Horizon’s protection. Simple enough, until Cataria met romulan warhead drone. Of course I read about the thing, and recognized automated weapon for what it was, but that meeting still was kind of a shock for me - automated missile, bigger than my ship. This things are really out there, the danger is real and it found us.  
We battle, and won, without any casualties or damage - this time. After that, we get message from Rihansu named S'Nar (I would call him Snarky from now on) who for some reason tried to taunt Capitan, then disappear. He was definitely the one responsible for drone attack. Some time after, I found out, that Snarky had some beef with older captain, and we apparently get this conflict by inheritance. So it looks like that we have ourselves an enemy at the start. I don't like our odds.  
But on the other hand, I heard also that he got himself some interesting technology, that with some luck I would be able to examine in the future. It makes it feel almost worthy of the risk.

Meditation:  
 I never wanted to be involved with battles. I get to Academy and Starfleet, because that was the best way to insure myself a place on a spaceships, and to learn the most about them.  
But I have learned everything there is to learn in the docks. I know how ships are build, what makes them fly, how every part fit together (ba! Many of this parts I fitted myself!) but now was the time to see her fly. And apparently to see her fights as well. If I want really truly understand what I build, I needed to experience theirs inner workings. Not only technology part, but also her her crew and it’s dynamics.  
 Outer space is a dangerous place, wandering there is a dangerous thing to do. Sorik and me, We deliberately left safety of Space Dock One, and until we return home, I will be constantly in dread over our family’s safety.  
But outer space is a place of knowledge, discovery, and many opportunities, that can be found only here. It is also a place of wonders, that we yet going to see.  
Being here is a risk, but right now, there is no better place for us, to make ourselves better.


	3. Stardate 2403.095 (April 5th, 2403)

Elie Martha Hanson  
Personal log  
Stardate 2403.095 (April 5th, 2403)

 

Someone asked me once if I consider myself a follower of Surak, and I must say, was stumped by this question. Did I? I’m of course not a Vulkhan, but if the one who asked thought that only Vulkhan can be one, this question would never been asked. I know Analects and teaching of Surak as good as any present-day Vulkhan. I suppose, if I would care enough, I would be able to go through Velinahr without any problem.  
 But did I follow the path of logic? Of course, I am. But again, what sentient species does not? To some degree at least. Did I follow it completely and without hesitation? I definitely don’t, but again, who really does? Only AI and Kolinahr masters - Vulkhans that cleansed themselves from any emotions, through intensive training and traumatic rituals. But only few goes through Kolinahr and lot of Vulkhans think that is a step too far. After all, Surak himself never become one.  
 If Vulkhans would not be born without feelings so strong and primal, that they have power to destroy one's life, they wouldn’t require mental training or Suraks teachings to be who they are now. Everyone has feelings and emotions that has potential to cloud our judgment or struck us unable to make right decision, but as a Human, I don’t need to total control over it, and probably I shouldn’t.  
 My feelings are different, calmer, definitely more complicated, and - what’s the most important - deeply embodied into my human psyche. After all, Humans who through some accidents lost ability to feel emotions, are proven to have hard time to undertake any decision and often choose poorly. I need my feelings to be who I am, to see my purpose in life, to have reason for going forward and make myself better.  
 But I’m aware what kind of trap emotions can create. We Humans all understand fear, and we praise ourselves every time we conquer it, and we call it “courage”. Vulkhan would call that triumph of logic. I have feelings, but in my life I had situations where it was better to put them aside (or for later) and do what has to be done. And - I must say - Vulkhan teaching helped me to realize those situations and keep myself calm when I needed to.  
 A lot of humans thinks of Suraks teaching as a path of logic only, but most famous Vulkhans quotes are: “Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations” and “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” and it says nothing about logic itself. In fact Surak was first and foremost ethical teacher. In his philosophy the goal is to live in harmony, to become better version of yourself, and to enrich society and life of others. And didn’t we all strife to exactly that? I definitely do.  
 The values of compassion, unity, pursue o knowledge, cooperation, nonviolence, respect, and self improvement are in his teaching just obvious follow ups from that goals. He - logically - concluded that they are the best ways to achieve prospering and harmonious society. And I value and follow all of those things, and I see logic and meaning behind that. But again, I known that before I even read any of his Analects.  
 So, did I consider myself a follower of Surak? I think I do. But again, in some sense, we are all.


	4. stardate: 2409.060 (Jan. 1st, 2409)

Elie Marta Hanson  
Personal log  
stardate: 2409.060 (Jan. 1st, 2409)

 

Federation was taken completely by surprise. Attack on T'Khasi was devastating, over 300,000 lost their lives, large part of fleet destroyed. The battle ended few days ago, but wounded officers, and damaged ships still kept arriving at Space Dock One, some over any hope of repair. Sorik flew in defense squadron, his ship get heavy beating, he lost few of his team, but himself was lucky (or skilled) enough to get out alive.  
 I stayed on the station, as part of repair team, working day and night, with hurry and negligent amount of sleep, trying (and failing) to grab my head around the situation. But when the first rush and shock worn off, it left behind overwhelming feel of dread. Such a tragedy should never had happen, we were in the heart of Federation, there should be no safer place in entire Alfa quadrant! But if the war was able to sneak up here, there was no such thing as a safe place anymore.  
 I finally returned to our quarter, trying to hold myself together, but just short time with my own thoughts in the shower was enough for me to break under fatigue and stress. I start to cry out loud, overwhelmed by all of this. At the edge of my consciousness I recognized Sorik’s mind. My telsu was still here, I was not alone.  
 He was there when I finally left the shower. He returned from a front line some time ago. I rushed toward him, and hugged him with all my might, glad that he is still here. His body was warm, his presence somewhat calming, a single pillar of familiarity in madness of the last few days.  
 - Hello, telsu - he welcomed me, touched my cheek with back of his hand, trying to widen telepathic connection between us. Normally I would welcome that, but now I was too big of a mess, and definitely not ready. He accepted my decision with a bit of disappointment, but does not pressed further. Instead he handed me an uniform and helped me get dressed. - Ready? - He asked. I was.  
 We headed to the nursery. Most of the station personnel was called to arms, but many of them has a family and children there. They joined the battle, leaving their offspring under civilian care for the time of the crisis. Us included. When we arrived, I left Sorik talking with the staff, while I looked around. How many of this children was parentless right now? What will happened to them?  
My train of thoughts was interrupted, when Sorik returned with our daughter in his arms. Remedy was only three months old, small, so vulnerable. But right now looked healthy, nursery staff take a good care of her.  
 - Oh Sorik - I sighed, coming toward them. - What we have done by bringing new life ino this dark times?  
 - We did the best thing possible - my telsu surprised me with his response. He looked at Remedy, touched her forehead with two fingers. - Dwelling into fear is not a way to make a future better - He said - there is a war, but not first and probably not the last one. We suffered great loses, but in the course of history, we suffered greater ones.  
Sorik was right, as always. He delivered Remedy into my arms. She was a vision to behold. I could not a help smile.  
 - Only logical response to death is life, to destruction is to rebuild - he continued - this is the way it always been, and it is the only way forward.  
I let Remedy to grab my finger with her tiny hand. Despite everything, I felt a glimpse of light in the darkness.  
 - Hope - I whispered, recognizing that feeling. - As long as we are still here.  
 - And even if we perish, it is better to left something behind.


	5. Stardate 2415.325 (Nov 21th, 2415)

   
 

Elie Martha Hanson  
Personal log  
Stardate 2415.325 (Nov 21th, 2415)  
Zypo’oq homeworld

 It was my first shore leave, since my assignment to the Cataria’s crew. We helped local species called Zypo’oq to manage a crisis on their space station, making their first contact with Federation and Alliance in the process. After the danger was driven away, there came official ceremony and stuff, and after that - time to get to know each other better. So we did.  
 I spent whole day in Zypo’oq capital city, looking around, watching their lives and arts, becoming familiar with their technology - not very advanced, but still with its own unique solutions - and just taking all of it in, allowing my undying enthusiasm to take a wheel. So it’s only natural, that after hours of sightseeing, I ended up at the local bar, along with almost all of Cataria’s engineers - all more than ready to blow up some steam. No one can party as an engineer, or, so they say.  
 We spend some good time with locals, checked more than few entertainment facilities and bars, trying new foods, drinks, games and harmless gambling as well. Some of Zypo’oq were cautious towards aliens, some very friendly, but there was always a person willing to show us something new. So I went with a flow, and my team followed me along, with some addition of few officers from others departments. Of course, the more the merrier.  
Longer that we stayed in one place, the crowd was getting denser and denser. Zypo’oqs come from near and far, taking pictures of us, notifying their friends. As a result our away team has increased by few suspiciously sober security officers, who tagged along at some point. I rolled my eyes at this idea, but I did not want to start a quarrel, so I let it be. Maybe, by accident, even they will have a good time?  
 I love music, listening to it, singing, but even more - share it with others. Melodies has a marvelous feature, that they can go just under your skin, and touch something inside, something that you sometimes never knew was there. And there is no other way of singing, then from bottom of your heart. So when you’re having a good time and singing along, I don’t think that there can be more genuine team-bonding experience.  
 My team - that thought had an unfamiliar ring to it. Of course, at Space Dock I commanded quite a large group and developed few personal connection from it, but this time was different. Back in the recent days, Space Dock seemed like a safe spot. In ship building and maintenance there was not much of a risk, no immediate danger from getting something wrong, and the biggest potential threat from a mistake were additional working hours needed for fixing the error.  
 But now we were traveling the unknown. We all lived inside a ship that we maintenance, having only her hull as protection against cold and empty space. Making Cataria works properly was a matter of life and death, and our sacred duty toward the rest of the crew. So what was my duties towards my team? To keep them well-organised? Calm in the face of danger? Efficient? Or to watch over them in every possible way? Build strong bonds in the team, teach depending on each other? I didn’t know yet, but right now, seeing all of them smile, cheering, without a thought about dangers and darkness, was a reward of its own.

At some point, I get out on the balcony for some fresh air and small break from happy but noisy party inside. It was night already. I looked at the stars above my head, for a short moment thinking about my family out there and quickly realized, that I could no longer feel Sorik’s presence. I guessed that my mind was too clouded with alcohol right now. I sighted, that was a one downside of drinking. I looked at my glass filled with bright orange liquor - definitely not a synthol. And hangover was a second one. I am going to be in hell tomorrow, didn’t I?  
 Out of the corner of my eye I get a glimpse of Starfleet officer in security uniform - bodyguards, that Commander Rek felt a need to send after me and my engineers. This one was called Estar, if I remembered correctly. Young male of one of the first-type humanoids (the hell I know which one!) stood just on the other side of the balcony door, trying to get me some privacy, without letting me out of sight. That was nice of him, but ridiculous nonetheless.  
  - ‘know you’re there, Ensign. - I called upon him. - I can feel your gaze upon my neck - I added.  
He got outside awkwardly, slowly closed the door behind me.  
 - Sorry, Commander, but I got my orders.  
 - ‘guessed that much. - I did not blame him. - But it’s disappointing, that Commander Rek thinks, that we need babysitting.  
 - I’m here just in case - Estar tried to be polite - There is a slim chance that yours drinking spree could get somewhat out of hand.  
I smiled widely to some of my memories. He obviously had no idea how real drinking spree look like. Or getting out of hand.  
 - Don’t be ridiculous, we just clubbing. After months of work, we all, including you, deserve a little break. Beside, it’s a cultural exchange. We’re having fun, Zypo’oq are having fun. - I get large gulp from my glass. - See? Harmless fun.  
 - At which we are the main attraction - he pointed - I am pretty sure that we are being recorded by almost everyone.  
 - Of course - I shrugged, didn’t mind. - This is a first contact after all. We’re now part of history.  
My bodyguard got visibly nervous when he realized that fact. Glimpsed behind, then looked at me again.  
 - That is not a good thing - he pointed out.  
 - C’mon, don’t stress yourself - I encouraged him - everything is going great! - I gesture toward entrance - This place is great, music is, drinks... - I looked at my unwilling party-buddy - ... and company is great to.  
He glitched for a moment, looked at me confused.  
 - Are you flirting with me, Commander?  
 - Me, ha? - I snorted with laughter. - Of course not! What a ridiculous thought! ’m too married for that! - I explained.  
Estar blinked.  
 -Too married? - he obviously did not get my idea. - How that even work?  
 - Simple. 'have my lovely husband, that ’m now missing super much. But he is back on the Horizon, so I won’t see him for a next few days, ‘till we get back. And even I am here alone, it doesn’t matter, ‘coz 'desire no other close company that him. -I smiled, thinking about my husband. He definitely has this special something, that no other had. - Beside, when I come back, ’m going to ride him into a sunset!  
 - Well, now that’s a vision that I want to forget - Estar got quite uncomfortable with that thought. I laughed.  
 - No better way for that, than a good drink. - I pointed out, going back to the party.  
My bodyguard sighted, but followed.  
 - To my defense Commander, you are leaving me no choice.


	6. Stardate 2415.327 (Nov 23th, 2415)

Elie Martha Hanson  
Personal log  
Stardate 2415.327 (Nov 23th, 2415)

 - Docking procedure has started! - computer voice woken me up. I sat on my bed, grabbed a PADD and looked at the clock. For both Horizon and Cataria, it was a middle of night shift. Of course, I could stay in bed in my small cabin aboard defiant, but I set computer to wake me up at the moment of our return.  
 I yawned, stretched, and dress up quickly leaving Cataria behind, eager to be back. Horizon was a massive ship, always busy, her hallways filled with peoples, and to be honest? I saw smaller space stations, in both population and size. I don’t let myself to be distracted, and headed right home. At the door, computer welcomed me with a quiet chirp, and let me get inside. The moment I crossed the threshold, I could feel some kind of relief. Home.  
 Our quarter was quite eclectic, both with interior design, and life support settings. The air in here was warm and dry, on the other hand air pressure and oxygen level were more in sync with conditions on Earth. Daylight was set slightly dimmer than a standard, but far from twilight preferred by Vulkhans, who's on their home planet were a rather nocturnal species. But right now, lights were off, as rest of my family was asleep. I let computer to keep this setting, in hope, that I will not wake up anyone.  
 This quarter was slightly bigger than a standard, first, because it was meant for four people after all, and secondly - I belonged to a senior staff, and that also brought some benefits. Still, nothing huge, just enough to be comfortable: one living room with a double bed, smaller room for our children, plus a bathroom. But right now, despite having their own beds, Alder and Remedy slept with Sorik in a living room.  
 I stood for a while just by the entrance, contemplating this image with a smile. My husband lied on his back in position, that he hardly ever change during the night. On his left side was Remedy, curled up almost like a kitty, still holding her father’s hand, and on the right, Alder dug himself out of the bedding, lying now partially on the pillow, partially on Sorik’s chest. Each of them still somehow connected, breathing completely in sync.  
 I left small bag beside the door and got myself into the shower. Every night I was away, Sorik let our children sleep with him, a custom that I started years ago, still on Space Dock One. Back there, I was the one who stayed with children on the station, when my husband has been sent out on the missions. I learned what to do in this circumstances, but here on Horizon, the situation flipped, and I though that everyone will be OK with that. But our children were more accustomed to Sorik being away not me, and had hard time to accept the fact, that now it is their mother that could disappear from their lives for a couple of days.  
 Sorik and I, we were always in the constant struggle, trying our best to reconcile private life with service, despite the fact, that Starfleet try to accommodate their mebers on many levels, as not to force them to choose between uniform or family. Probably because every officer who at some point choose the second, would be a huge lost investment. However even with that, it was a great endeavor, especially here, when we can no longer count on help of our clan or my parents. And atop all of that, I lately get myself into reverse-engineering project on Horizon, that was truly fascinating and needed, but still consumed time.  
 When I left the shower, I tried to sneak up into the bed without waking up anyone, but Remedy started to wriggle as soon as she felt an unexpected movement. She let go of Sorik’s hand, roll on the other side, slowly returning to awareness.  
 - Sssh. - I tried to calm her down, pat her on the cheek - It’s only me. - I whispered, when I sat on the edge of the bed.  
 - Ko-mekh, ha? - she mutter in half sleep, recognizing both my voice and mind.  
I smiled, get myself under the blanket.  
 - Ah, masu. - I responded, kissed her on the forehead.  
She waked up fully but contend, curled into my arms. I embraced her gladly.  
 - We missed you - she stated the obvious.  
I pet her on the head, run fingers through her long, dark hairs.  
 - I know, honey, ‘missed you as well. I got back as quickly as I could.  
On the other side of the bed, Sorik slightly moved in his sleep. I reached my hand to his face, rest my fingertips of on his temple. I felt his mind as he felt mine, even if he wasn’t awake. Along all of those years, we many times fall asleep still joined and dreamed together. We were too familiar to each other, to wake up upon other’s presence. I was so glad to be back.  
 - How long will you stay? - Remedy asked another question.  
 - No idea, my dear. Until I will be needed again.  
 - But I want you to stay! - she protested.  
Children are selfish, I knew, but it still kinda hurt. I wished I could give my children as much of a time as they wanted, still - being a mother was only one of my duties. I loved my family above all else, but I loved being engineer too, and I loved star ships. My family needed me, but Cataria’s crew needed me also, and I always aspired to new knowledge and skills. Of course, I was not perfect in dividing my time between those things, sometimes with no clear priorities on the topic, but I always hoped that I’m just good enough. Was I?  
 - I want to stay, too. - I whispered to my daughter. - I don’t know for how long, but I am here now. - I said while resting my head on the pillow.  
I looked on Remedy in my arms as she started to fall asleep again, looked at Sorik and Alder. Glad to be home. Tomorrow. We will have time tomorrow.


	7. Stardate 2415.331 (Nov 27th, 2415)

 

Elie Martha Hanson  
Personal log  
Stardate 2415.331 (Nov 27th, 2415)

 Four days later, duty called and I was back onboard Cataria. We detoured from our main mission, to make contact with our sister ship USS Oshrath, that missed communication schedule by two days already. We had her last known coordinates as well as destination point. Just go there and see what’s what, plain and simple, assist when needed.  
 We have more than half of the way behind us, when Capitan asked me to see him in the ready room. Of course. But before I set my foot outside the bridge, I suddenly felt a glimpse of tension from the other side of ki’navau. Back on the Horizon Sorik returned few moments ago from a squadron training and got the same call, from ship’s security chief. That definitely couldn’t be good news. I suddenly got anxious, as both me and my husband walk into corresponding offices. The news definitely wasn’t good: our daughter Remedy went missing. No one known what happened, she just not showed up on last security sweep.  
 Wait, what?! How?  
 No one knows. They searched and scanned all Horizon, without any success.  
 First: do not panic - it is a stupid thing to do. I don't have a panic attack in over fifteen years, and I am not getting one right now! I started to control my breathing: slow and steady. I am not going anywhere.  
 - We didn’t find a body... - This words, instead of calming me, triggered a response: “Disintegration?” Really Elie, really? I throw that suggestion away from my brain. It was just an automatic thought, coming from a part of me that started panicking anyway. The chance that Remedy is somehow simply just not on the Horozion was far more greater than mysterious disintegrating accident that no one noticed.  
 - Are there any ships which departure time matched with Remedy disappearance? - One of us asked instead. Or maybe we both did?  
Yes, there were, and the Oshrath was one of them. So maybe if we find missing ship, we will find our daughter as well. That was enough to give me a plan that I can follow instead giving up to fear and confusion. Captain asked if I will be ok. I will, in time. He give me some of that, leaving the ready room.  
 I closed my eyes. Deep breath in, and slow out. Again and again. My heart was rattling, my muscles tense, but I didn’t need any of this. There was no reason to run, there were no one here to fight. Just a situation that I needed to understood. I felt Sorik on the other side of the ki’navau. He was afraid for Remedy too, and he was surprised by this news the same as me, but he also was focused and sharp. I hold onto that, like I would hold a steady hand when loosing my own balance. With a help of my telsu, I slowly regained composure and clarity.  
Then the solution made itself clear: I need to check onboard USS Oshrat, and our mission lead us there anyway. Just continue the mission - I focused on that. I get up and return to my station.  
 At that time, there were nothing more that I could do to help. There were no reason to loop my attention over a problem, that already has a solution. No sense in listening to my imagination, that gone highwire and start to spewing countless future scenarios, each stupidder and more baseless that the previous one. Focus, Elie, don’t waste your brain power. You will only exhaust yourself. Here, look at this station readings right in front of your eyes, try to make a sense of that instead. Yes? Right! I have a job to do, so I am going to do just that. 

 After few couple of hours, we finally found Oshrat. She was drifting on emergency power at the edge of spaceship graveyard that her crew supposed to investigate. At first I thought that graveyard was remnants of an old battle from long time ago, but according to T’Voryn’s interpretation this region of space was pierced by invisible subspace rifts, that could potentially damage ships in range. So we kept our distance.  
 There were no communication with our sister ship, but we manage to scan Oshrat with ease: everyone was accounted for, plus one person extra. Remedy. It has to be her, right? But we were too far to get exact readings, and crew member teleported from USS Oshrat didn’t know anything beside that a Captain had a guest. Maybe I set my hopes to high? Maybe they pick up some alien diplomat on there way here, or something.  
 Oh, and they were having a mysterious power drain, that make them stuck in one place. Sure, I could take care of that. First we send communication probe toward incapacitated ship, then decided to took the shuttle as a safer option that teleporting through space full of rifts and who knows what else. As we board the shuttle, I automatically sat at the helm, without realizing that was Sorik’s habits talking through me.  
Oshrath has one additional passenger. It don’t have to, but definitely could be Remedy, and I had to hold on to that hope. Beside time frame of Oshrath departure and her disappearance matched. If it was her, how was she? Was she in danger? Was Oshrath in danger? How does she got aboard? Why? ...and why this fucking helm control doesn’t work?!  
 Before I had time to look again, Lt Yrret clicked something at helm settings and we were ready to go. I got annoyed by this small thing too easily. I rebuked myself, if I will keep doing that, I will soon render myself useless ...or worse.

 We get onboard Oshrat without any problem. Her crew was relieved to see us, they stayed on emergency power too long. They were exhausted, unable to use replicators or even take a shower, and without the clue what is going on. At first I wanted to see captain and ask for his guest, but then I realized, that there was no reason to hurry. No one here was dying. And If Remedy (if her) wasn’t dying, the best way to keep her that way, was to take care of the ship’s failing power system, that could collapse at any given moment.  
 So I took my ass to the engine room. First step: isolate the problem. Oshrat’s core was barely glowing with matter-antimatter reaction, that give only 20% of it’s supposed power. Why? As long as physic didn't broke, only explanation was that there is not enough fuel to go by.  
 But converters that produced antimatter worked just fine. We checked twice. That couldn’t be containment failure, because there would be no longer a ship to talk about. So delivery. I took antimatter conduits apart, looking for any flaw. If there was a leak, safety measures were set to convert antimatter back before it got any chance to start a reaction, but there was no report of that in the system, or any particle residue of such event. From my point of view everything worked as it should. Except it obviously doesn’t. So... physics broke? I called T’Voryn, we discussed possible causes and concluded, that we should get close range reading from the reaction chamber itself.  
 I looked at the core. It’s weak glow and irregular reaction pulses gave me a vibe of a failing heart. Well, it was time to stop the reaction and flush this thing clear, because, boy, I had no intentions to swim in a hot plasma. I needed to look inside, even if it meant that Oshrath will be left without a main power source for a few hours, even more defenseless than now. I just had to be quick with my task.  
 Shutdown and flush procedures went without a problem, even if they took some time. As soon as it was safe, with a tricorder in my hand, I crawled into an access tunnel, not much wider than myself. Someone could found it funny, but seriously, over the course of my career, I had to pick up some techniques of squeezing myself through confined spaces of various shapes and forms. I was sure, that If I would needed to be born again, I wouldn’t give my mother any problem this time.  
 On the interior side of reaction core chamber I found a plaque left there by one of the engineering team, that constructed this ship. I smiled to myself. Some names that I recognize from Horizon, some (yet) unknown and two of my colleagues back from Space Dock One. Gotcha! I took a picture of this hidden the memento. Another point to my private score. Now everyone on this list officially own me a drink, or they will be breaking secret trust of Starfleet Engineers!  
 This one find brought me a smile and shot of confidence. In my times at Spacedock One, I myself left dozens of this, one one every ship that we work on, including Cataria and Horizon. This was of course officially against the regulation, but everyone did this anyway, and it was kind of an open secret between dock workers and higher commands.  
 I have no idea how things works in others departments, but we engineers, have our own customs and quirks that build sense of community in lots of not quite obvious ways. Community that I felt strong connection with, since my first day in the Academy. Plaques like this, scattered around normally unavailable spots, were centuries long tradition of shipbuilders. There were a way to leave part of yourself on departing craft, to commemorate work of you and your team, and the time you spend together. Way to remind anyone who will come after, that they are not alone. Someone before put they pray and thoughts into this vessel, this system, and has been crawling through the same bloody place that you are in right now. And now you earned their blessing.  
 With a feeling of nostalgia I touched polycomposite glass that protected plaque form environment of the chamber. I mouthed simple “thank you”, and got back to the task at hand.  
 When I returned with readings, T’Voryn began her analysis. The result: a subspace rift straight to the heart. Not a funny situation, but not an engineering problem anymore. As soon at it was clear that my help here is no longer needed, I switched to other task at hand: finding Remedy.  
 Captain Prelok was commanding officer of USS Oshrat, when I get into her office, she greeted me with a smile.  
 - Commander, did you finished already?  
I stood at attention.  
  - Not yet, but we identified the problem. I came in to ask about your guest... - I started.  
Captain looked like she was reminded of a not very important issue, that slipped her mind in the course of recent events.  
 - Oh yes, Hanson. That’s you, right? - I only nodded, captain continued. - It looks like we found your daughter.  
What a relief!  
 - Is she allright?  
 - She is. - Captain calmed down my fears. - I guess you are eager to see her. I will ask someone to bring her here. - She get up and send down a security officer waiting outside on the bridge.  
 - Thank you, Captain. - I finally allowed myself to smile a little. - But how does she end up here?  
 - If I remembered correctly, she used a part of your old comm-badge, to trick ship system into thinking she’s you. I guess, your lifesigns matched enough.  
So that’s why my pin get missing! I must say, I had been suspecting something of a sort. And tricking system like that, required some tweaking anyway. Nothing too complicated, given over 50% genetic match, but still slightly more that I used to expect from a six year old child.  
 - Weren’t you surprised to see my ID onboard?  
 - Oh, we were! But before we find out, we were stuck here already. To be honest, I didn't had the time to deal with her, so I gave her a cookie and send away to the counselor.  
 - You found a stowaway on your ship, and instead of throwing into the brig, you gave her pat on the head, and cookies? - I looked at Oshrat Captain, completely surprised. Were there any rules on this ship, or what? She looked both somewhat embarrassed by her own actions, and slightly amused by my attitude.  
 - It was one cookie - she responded - and really, what I supposed to do? I just wanted her off my office.  
She definitely wasn’t a parent. Acting in this way, Captain only showed my daughter, that there will be no consequences to her disobedience. Worse than that - she was practically rewarded for her actions. Now it was up to me, to show her otherwise. What a pain! But what I expected? That everyone will magically knew, or even care about, how me and Sorik are dealing with our children?  
I sighted.  
 - Thank you for taking care of her.  
 - Of course, Commander.  
 - Mother! - Office doors opened with a quiet hiss. Remedy barged inside, hugged me with all her strength, and started to babbling about how much fun she had so far. I was so happy to see her alive and well, but also quite angry. She shouldn’t be here for so many different reasons, and I thought that Remedy understood this, but apparently not. I knelled and tried to give her a stern talking-to, but I felt it didn’t sink well. Not a really best time to do that either.  
 - But I thought you will be happy to see me! - She protested.  
 - I am happy that you are safe, but this is no place for you. I am here on a mission, and I wouldn’t have time to take care of you.  
 - You won’t take care of me?! - Remedy get both shocked and disappointed. In her young mind I have been just mean to her. If she would be physiologically capable of crying, she would definitely break out with tears right now. Instead she gave a soft, meow-like sound, that almost broke my heart. It was both genuine expression, and manipulation effort on her part.  
 - I won’t - I confirmed. - I had to much work on my missions, that’s way I don’t take you with me.  
 - But... - she tried to come up with some excuse.  
I got deep breath and exhaled slowly.  
 - Let’s just inform your father that you are ok, ha? We both have been worrying.  
 She nodded. I grabbed her hands, closed my eyes and concentrated on my bond with Sorik. As an opening though, I gave him my feeling of relief. Remedy telepathic abilities and familiarity with our minds allowed her to hook up on the ki’navau upon physical contact, just enough to let Sorik’s consciousness to touch hers. They acknowledged each other presence, my telsu was glad that she was well, but greatly disappointed in her actions. Remedy did not responded, just broke the contact by slipping her hands from mine. She obviously hoped for a different reaction from her parents. Well, she would have to learn.  
 I stood up, nodded towards the Capitan.  
 - I will take it from here - I said. - Thank you again.  
 At this moment, it meant handing her under a care of Commander Rek, because I still had work in the engineering. At least I was now less worried about Remedy’s safety. I hoped we will get back home soon.


	8. Stardate 2402.329 (Feb 5th, 2402)

 I sat on the top of the crate, and sighed loudly when shutting clap of my tricoder. I just finished checking our small cargo for any leaks or micro fractures. Test of course was negative. Not that I wanna to complain, but damn, this shift was boooring!  
 Year and a half after graduation, and I was serving as engineering mate on USS Maliva, medium size ship, that mainly patrolled Federation space, sometimes picked up some cargo or important passengers, but mostly just flying around, showing up and establishing Federation presence among this sector. I laid down on the crate and looked at the ceiling. It wasn’t boring assignment as a whole, but there were slower days, when everything was already diagnosed from top to bottom, squeaky clean, and performing on 100% efficiency. Was I working too fast or something? Should I go to my superior to get more assignments, or will I be bothering them? Or go to engineering room and start tweaking? Or stay here, alone in this cargo bay, in hope that no one will want anything from me, or even notice my absence? I got deep breath and exhaled slowly, to give myself a moment to relax.  
 Four hours till end of my shift, on which, I was damn sure, not a bloody thing will happen. Why it can’t be right now? I got slightly frustrated. I just want to return to my quarter, got long, warm shower, and spend some time with my husband. I smiled to myself, when I thought about Sorik. We got married only a few months ago, and I still couldn’t believe the Fate’s blessing.  
Upon our engagement, just after the graduation, Sorik took me on T’Khasi, to home of his clan in Stivi’Go-an plains. This was the most awkward meet-my-parents moment that I ever lived through, but the family accepted his choice, and we were telepathically bounded by the Elders at official, very traditional ceremony, that was important enough, for all the clan members to show up. Not a marriage though, Sorik was still too young, despite the fact that he was five years older than me. But Vulkhans are just different that way. That was also the first time, that I saw Sorik in traditional golic robe, and oh boy, he looked hotter than a warp plasma! I still keep that a photo in my files, because why not?  
 But after ceremony, came the separation. We got different assignments on two different ships, as engagement was not enough reason to pull the Fourth. As well as our bond - ki’navau - was not as strong as it is right now, just enough to get some glimpses of his presence, some shared dreams, a random thought from now and then, nothing more than a proof of him still being alive. So we spend over a year, sending message back and forth, and having short video conversations if distance and delay allowed. It was so different that our time in the Academy, when we could see each other almost every day, and I didn’t endure this separation well, constantly longing for more. During this period we met only once, for half of a day, at space station in which both of our ships happened to dock at the same time. I was so happy to finally see him again, but when the moment passed, letting Sorik out of my arms was a truly heartbreaking decision. Later that evening, in the privacy of my quarter, I cried myself to sleep like a teenager dumped right before the prom.  
 Nevertheless, we somehow made it through, and when the calling came - I responded as expected. I returned to Stivi’Go-an, to Sorik, we got traditional Vulkhan wedding and were joined anew, this time to never to be separated again. We truly become one in any sense of the phrase, as the mind-meld that has been used during the ceremony, was the strongest and most complete form ever practiced by Vulkhan race. Something that was supposed to be one in the life time event. In one moment we shared all of each other’s memories, knowledge, points of view and body sensations, and remained in this lock for long hours, until we finally fall asleep, sometime around the sunrise. After that, it took Sorik and me few days to regain any sense of individuality, neither we were in much of a hurry. But most of this feeling faded away with time, though left behind strong and stable telepathic bond, that allowed us to share thoughts, and made any following mind-melds a lot much easier task for Sorik. ( His first time attempt, still in Academy, failed so bad that we both needed help of a mind healer. He was a really shitty melder back there.) And we kept each other memories too.  
 I remembered growing up on T’Khasi and his pilot training, as well as my own childhood in New Sydney and engineering courses. I remembered us, weirdly and awkwardly dancing around each other, through social interactions and each other’s quirks, trying to reach some kind of understanding, and lots and lots of middle grounds. Me, being completely love struck from the first moment we meet at advanced sub-light propulsion systems course, and desperately trying to get his attention, while trying not to be to much of a bother, or just plainly turning into some kind of a creepy stalker. He definitely wasn’t my first crush, as three years of Academy bring me many turmoils and heartbreaks, but he turned out to be the last.  
 I remembered him, being completely unaware of my existence for the first few weeks of the class, but slowly growing an interest in my unusual (to him) methods, and undying creativity, that somehow get to desirable results, maybe by sheer force of emergent properties. For his steady demeanor and disciplined mind, I was a weird space anomaly, just swiftly flying around, spreading chaos and discharged energy in a random places. But with time, he caught himself interested in what new kind of surprise I will bring next.  
 And I brought so much, as I tried to storm his silence with a flaming torch of my passions, and he was truly fascinated by my unusual choice of weapon. We were so different in almost every aspect of our lives and minds, but we also shared the same values and dreams. I made him curious, and as this curiosity gets filled by knowledge and new questions, it grows into a mutual fascination. It brought weird kind of understanding, respect for our differences and constant lessons from one another, things that we would never learned otherwise. With time, we become a part of each other’s reality, a part that one day Sorik decided was worth of taking all in and keeping for the rest of his life.  
 After that, came the rest of all this, and I was again here, at the cargo bay of the USS Maliva, looking at the ceiling, with my thoughts jumping back and forth. Sorik, my love, where are you, and why not here with me? He wasn’t far, just outside holodeck, as he finished his daily portion of conn training. I send him small greeting, just to turn his mind-eye my way, and smiled when he responded with attention. Did I need something? Maybe? Four hours to the end of my shift. I just wanted him to spare a moment for me.  
 Not soon after, I heard cargo bay doors opened and Sorik came in, slightly confused, expecting that I need some kind of a small assistance.  
 - Sorik! - I immediately sprung out and hugged him gladly. I closed my eyes, letting warmth of his body and smell of his skin to sink into my mind. I loved him so much! It was ridiculous to get this strike of loneliness just after few hours, but here I was.  
His confusion turned quickly into recognition and acceptance, he already knew all my weird moments. It was just again, me being me. He run his hand through my hair, to give me a sense of his presence. His touch was so nice and calming.  
 - Telsu... - Sorik responded to my greeting. I giggled upon hearing his voice, then quickly raised my head and kissed him with all my passion. He didn't opposed and returned the kiss. I rest my hands on his neck, it felt so good to be with him again. With physical contact, come a telepathic one too. I gladly let his thoughts flow into mine, welcoming his presence, as I felt nice, familiar shiver going through my spine. So nice. My love, please come closer.  
That was ridiculous. Sorik stepped back a little.  
 - It is not a time or the place for that - he reminded me - we are still on duty.  
Shure. I looked with bashful thoughts at his red uniform, making no effort to block them, which annoyed him a little.  
 - It’s not like we are now particularly needed or anything - I responded - we are on the same route for the fifth time. Nothing happened back then, and nothing will happened now. - It was the truth, and Sorik knew that very well. - We can as well take a while for ourselves.  
 - We'll get a reprimand if someone finds out - he pointed out, but there was a brief moment of hesitation in his mind, and I smile when I noticed it. C’mon my love.  
 - Would we? - I asked. Small chance, but even then, there were some things that, if not too frequent, some superiors tends to turn a blind eye on.  
 - Although... - he started, but realized that I’m already rushly taking off the bottom part of my uniform. I looked at Sorik, letting my thoughts and wants to freely roaming between our mind.  
 - Let me tell you something, masu... - I again came closer to him, touched his lips with my fingers. I felt the shiver once again and deliberately shared this feeling with him. It sunked deep on the other side. - ...it will be quicker for you to fuck me, than trying to talk me out of it.  
I was so on point, that he almost smiled.  
 - That is very true - he gladly admitted his defeat, put his hands on my hips. We started to kiss once again. Sorik, my love, telsu, ashayam. He was a truly the Fate’s blessing.


	9. Stardate 2415.340 (Dec. 6th, 2415)

PRIORITY ONE MESSAGE  
from Commodore Kaazu to the Horizon Fleet

  _The Iconians have amassed their fleet and are on course to attack Starbase 5 in the Sauria System. The Horizon Fleet is ordered to rendez-vous with the mothership and all tactical craft are to dock in preparation for slipstream drive. The Iconian Fleet will reach Starbase 5 in 30 minutes. Slipstream will place us in the Sauria System in 28 minutes._  
_Without our assistance, the remaining alliance fleet are not enough to withstand this assault. They are throwing everything at Starbase 5 and we must give all aid. We have lost the USS Pendragon and USS Zephyr to a temporal anomaly 6 weeks ago and have discovered no evidence of their survival. But we now have information on iconian weapons systems and their gateway technology that could help Starbase 5 in their defenses, gleaned from the Pendragon's capture of an iconian space station._  
_We will stand against the tyranny of extermination, for the Federation, for the Republic, and the Union and ultimately for the Alliance._

 Cataria was on her way back from a short patrol when this news hits us. My heart stopped for a moment. Another battle. Please, not again. Oh Fate, how I hated war! We got a full WARP and arrived quickly at Horizon’s location.  
 When I first saw Horizon Fleet, It was a breathtaking view. Its heart was of course our mothership: USS Horizon - Dreadnought Carrier with a crew of almost 5 000. Flying starbase, completely self sufficient and heavy equipped with the newest defence systems. Our home for the last year. Horizon was accompanied by a large fleet of Federation ships: One Olympia, two intrepids (it would be four if not loss of the Pendraon and Zephyr), two Sabers and Sao Paulos (us included). We also had companions from Romulan Republic: two Ar’Kif and one T’Varo and Cardassian Union as well - three Detapa class. And as impressive as it sounded, we did not stand a chance in a upcoming battle.

 We docked at Horizon and the fleet jumped. 20 minutes till destination, 20 minutes to prepare.  
I went to my quarters and was immediately greeted by Remedy and Alder. I hugged my children with all my might, maybe for the last time. They sensed my fear with ease and Alder started to cry.  
 - No _masu_ , please don’t. - I begged him, I could not stand his tears. I took my son into my arms, touched his forehead with mine, focused on my love for them instead. My son, my love, I will do everything to protect you. I felt tears dropping down my cheeks, my own this time. I was soo bad at holding it together.  
 Doors behind us opened and Sorik came in. He put a hand on my shoulder when he passed us, then sit on the floor deeper inside the room. He looked at us, slightly rise his left hand, palm up. I smiled at this inviting gesture. Ah, telsu. I took the children and we sit together in a close circle, Sorik reached hands to Alder and Remedy sitted on both of his side, and I did the same. I closed my eyes, embracing the telepathic touch. I felt mind of my husband: agitated but concentrated, of our children: confused and afraid, looking at us for protection.  
 Even before Sorik and I extended our family, we agreed to never lie to confort. Short time solution as it, was detrimental in the long run. So we did not lied this time either. Yes, there was a danger ahead, and only thing we could do is to fight to protect. What is happening is larger than you, larger than us, but giving into fear will solve nothing. All you can do is to stay safe and have hope, as we will fight in hope to keep you safe. We touch theirs minds, just to feel them for a brief moment of embrace. Sorik and I - we were _telsu_ , but our children was part of us as well. In some sense, each of our offsprings were us, united in one body in its own unique way. _Maat kaunshuk_ \- family is one.  
 But the time was ticking away and we need to hurry. We stood up, Sorik got Remedy in his arms, I hold Alder and we took our children into designated safety zone. If anything is going to happen to USS Horizon, it was a part of it designed to withstand it all, even a core breach. In my thoughts I begged the ship to keep my children safe. Vainly - Fate will decide it all, and does not choose sides. We could only try to rise our chances.  
 After leaving our children under ship’s care, we returned to our quarter for a brief moment. We again sat together on the floor, facing each other. Sorik, my love, is it the last time? Probably, but who could really know?  
 My _telsu_ reached his hand and touched my face with his fingertips. We both silently mouthed initiating mantra as I felt Sorik’s mind slipping into mine, looking for synchronization. I allowed it gladly. I shared with him my love, my feeling of impending doom, my memories of last few days. My fear. If we die, will the death take us apart? That was an useless thought, as no one could experience they own death, or suffer beyond that moment.  
 I took in his agitation. Sorik trained everyday to keep himself in the peak condition, to keep his senses sharp, reactions fast, practiced every maneuver to the point when they become reflexes. He will fly in defense squadron, his team will do anything to give larger ships tactical advantage, to shield them from danger, and exploit every crack in the enemy’s defenses. But the danger ahead makes Sorik’s mind railroad, and he could not allow himself to do that. He still need to keep bigger picture in mind, to think about the tactics and other pilot’s positions, follow orders, balance risk and chances.  
 We took deep breath together, released part of our tension along with exhale. In this moment, we were still here. We still had time to think this through. What we will do next?  
 Horizon was exploratory fleet, but created strong. Strong enough to be able to defend itself and others if needed. However, if the reports were true and Iconians are arriving with all of their fleet - we had no fucking chance, no matter how many ships Starfleet and Alliance will send to aid Starbase 5. But we will fight to protect others, and if we will try our best - maybe we will be able to weaken Iconians enough to tip the scale for the next to come. Not for our own survival (our odds were so small, that almost out of the question) but for the chance of one for others.  
 “5 minutes till destination.” Warned shipwide comm, our time has passed. We opened our eyes, stand up. We both needed to go. I looked at Sorik for the last time, still feeling his mind inside mine, hoping to not lose this connection until the end.  
 - Fly safe - he said, fold his fingers to _ozh'esta_. I did the same as I brushed my fingertips against his palm and fingers. _Telsu, ashayam._ We kissed.  
 - You too, my love - I responded, wiping my tears with sleeve of the uniform. - Fly safe, _O’hashu_. Fly safe.

Elie Martha Hanson  
Personal log  
Stardate 2415.340 (Dec. 6th, 2415)


End file.
